For all serving and ex members of the RAF Mountain Rescue Service

The Traffic Warden’s Tale
(With apologies to Geoffrey Chaucer)

The advertisement said “Vacancy Exists for position of Traffic Warden, Cairngorn Plateau”. 

I just had to apply.  This was a dream job, another of those once in a lifetime jobs that will pay you lots of money for doing not a lot. Like the one for the wringer out for the one-armed window cleaner on the submarine. Like the RAF Warrant Officer. Or the Falkland Islands Forestry Commission with only a single Cypressus Macrocarpus at Port San Carlos. Or lifeguard on the Ness bridge in Inverness. My old colleague Archie Hay had been fined once for swimming the river there and had tried to claim, unsuccessfully, in his defence at the Sheriff Court, that he was being auditioned for the lifeguard job at the time.

The job was there for the taking, but some inside knowledge would just make it certain and my visit to the summit had provided me with enough information to write the letter of application:

Dear Sir or Madam,

The Position of Traffic Warden, Cairngorm Plateau

I wish to apply for the above vacancy and submit the enclosed particulars with attached photographs as evidence of my suitability for the job.

On September the fourth 2003 at approximately 1213 hours I was witness to an affray on Cairngorm Summit during which a Tramper Buggy without either Boulder Tax or High Altitude Insurance was parked next to the cairn which is clearly marked “for the use of Residents with Permits Only”. The driver of this Buggy was wearing an obviously false beard and was drinking from a hip flask what he claimed was prescription medicine, free to the over 60’s, called ‘Medicinal Glenkinchie for Men’. This was, he said, the working girls Viagra which had no contra- indications and its only side effect was a smile. He was a Mr Eddie the Eagle formerly of Wyre Piddle, a co-founder of the Piddle Brook Ceremony and currently a National Level Coach for the Ministry of Funny Walks.

The accompanying group were equally disreputable with an old grey haired couple claiming to be one in the same person called “Z and Fred”.

He liked it that way, he said, because schizophrenics are never alone and all that the lady would say was that she was a “ Friend of the Phantom Bugler “.

They were all friends of the Phantom Bugler said a Mr Sunshine, an elegant and obviously cultured person with a military bearing, who talked knowledgably about the latest Vera Lynn albums and who bore a strong resemblance to someone you thought you should know. Was it Lord Lucan, or could it be perhaps Shergar?

Two others were obviously illegal immigrants and were accompanied by a Polish dog for which they were seeking an interpreter in order to comfort it in its native language.

Next was a Cornish chap who thought St Michael’s Mount was a runner in the 3.30 at Newmarket. He didn’t know whether he was Trevaskis Trelawney or Trelawney Trevaskis but kept saying “ Proper job, Lock Morlock, Proper job !”.

Lastly was an elderly gentleman wearing a see through toupee and sporting an asbestos beard which acted as a firebreak between his face and a prosthetic Peterson pipe. This was the former Mr Bell of Cumbria who now rejoices in the name of Rabbi Dong of Ardnamurchan and is something of a legend in Ardgour where he tickles trout whilst playing a five string banjo.

Being unempowered of course to take further official action I could only preserve the enclosed evidence as best I could in the interest of Public Order and National Security and to impress on you my suitability for the 

vacancy. It goes without saying that full details of all the above persons have already been sent under plain cover to Interpol.

In the interest of anonymity at the scene of the affray, I was careful not to reveal to the people with the dog that I do, of course, speak Polish.

Parking problems on the Summit Plateau could be improved greatly by painting double yellow lines from Cairngorm to Ben MacDhui to Cairntoul and Braeriach. Volunteers for this task would be easy to find and should ideally have an ‘O’ Level in Parallelograms and be able to say “Don’t eat yellow snow “in five different languages. Grey men need not apply.

I also enclose letters of accreditation from my previous employment as village idiot in North Ballachuilish where I was successful from thousands of other applicants. This job as you will know has been disestablished following the securing of an EEC Compulsory Purchase Order to turn the area into a sanctuary for asylum seekers, travellers, displaced persons and comic singers of no fixed abode.

I remain,

Yours faithfully,

Z M’gumbu FSOWP

Authors Post Script

Since this application was received, the cause of the above affray has been made public.

In the mid sixties on a Kinloss Team weekend exercise, Alan “Eddie” Edwards fell when the cornice on Jacobs Ladder collapsed as he and Robin “Dinger” Bell were trying to exit the route. Dinger held him, but Ed injured his lower spine and he was invalided out of the Service in 1967. Eddie became a teacher of Technology and Design but the years of ongoing operations to his lumbar spine and associated hip replacements brought eventual enforced early retirement from this profession.

He can now manage only a few yards on crutches and the Tramper Buggy has been his salvation for getting out and about. He made a successful ascent of Pen-y Fan in it last year, perversely enough a much more arduous task than this year’s ascent of Cairngorm. It was a bonus to have the splendid Dinger along on this trip and for Ed and him to view the scene of the crime together after all those years. In keeping with Ed’s unselfish character he has collected a tidy sum for the charity Combat Stress on his two trips whilst of course funding the trips, and the Buggy, himself.

The affray can now be downgraded to jubilation, the post of Traffic Warden will be downgraded to Car Park Attendant and the entire Cairngorm Plateau will be flattened to create Scotland’s largest Funicular Free parking area, creating a Site of Special Scientific Interest where the Lairig Ghru used to be. Aviemore will be closed.

The Phantom Bugler was allegedly a number of different people at early sixties Kinloss, but the only one ever to be taken into captivity was a certain Peter “Sweet” Myers who was apprehended one dark night lying to attention in the tennis courts, unable to stand, with the instrument to his lips. The missing Bugle is still being sought by the SIB for DNA testing.

With Eddie on Cairngorm was Dinger Bell, Dinger’s son-in-law Mike Roberts, Sunshine Sefton, Sunsh’s two fine mates from Aviemore, Hendy and Paul, Paul’s dog Kyle (a Polish Wuszler, or woofterhound ) and Jhansie and Iain Brunton who, along with Ed’s wife Pat, were also with him on Pen-y-Fan. Thanks for all the help and support Troops and for ‘The Craic’ on the hill.

Regards

Ian Brunton

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